A hare, a hairy one,
Foul was his disposition,
Fast, frantic, furious,
The fastest and finest, he thought he was.
The tortoise was stodgy,
Slow, to the point (when there was one),
Serious, sure, stoic,
The sum of everything that was, well, boring.
Trotting along, the hare tripped,
Over a rock, he thought,
Peering, he saw,
That it was actually a tortoise.
“Hey, mother*ucker,
Can’t you get out of the way?
Don’t park your as* in the middle of the road man,
I’ll shove something up it.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not that quick,
Get out of the way I couldn’t,
But I’m fast in a lot of ways,
MAYBE even faster than you!”
“Ho!” came the exclamation,
And with it, a challenge,
A year later, they would race,
And settle it, once and for all.
They met on the day decided,
With a crowd gathered around,
Some wanted to see one win, others the other lose,
Some were there for lack of something better.
Soon, the gun went off,
And the hare went off,
And the crowd went off,
But the tortoise stayed.
Not due to compulsion, oh no,
Not because he wanted to, either,
He was just so damn slow,
He was beginning to think he should have asked for two years.
The hare raced ahead,
Far, far ahead,
Soon, he began to get a little tired,
So he sat down, to rest.
He was tired because, over the year,
He had let himself go a little,
Around the middle, around the backside,
Around the thighs and legs.
All that beer couldn’t have been good,
All that nicotine was bad for sure,
All that weed, oh my!
Maybe he should’ve trained just a little.
Well, that damned rock was too far behind,
One hit wouldn’t hurt, would it?
He took out a pot stick, and lit it,
And floated away on a cloud.
Meanwhile, the tortoise plodded on,
Slow, steady, sure,
Until the finish was in sight,
Oh, the glorious white tape!
The hare awoke with a start,
And realized he had been dealt bad maal,
He had to kill that f*cking dealer,
But he had to win the race first.
It looked like it was too late,
The turtle was going to win,
But he looked like he would overheat,
So a kind otter poured some water over his head.
The hare came up on the horizon,
But the tortoise was almost there,
He had two steps to go,
When he keeled over and fainted.
With a glint in her eye, the otter grinned,
Some time ago,
She had made a promise,
A promise to the hare.
When his head was between her legs,
And he was doing his thing,
He made her promise, that she would do anything,
To make sure that he won.
She had tipped chloroform all over the tortoise,
And it would evaporate in a minute,
Leaving no traces,
Of her treachery.
She winked at the hare,
As he blew past the finish line,
Oh, what a victory it was,
No one even remembered the unconscious rock.
As he was borne on their shoulders,
The hare knew he had something to do,
He had to thank the otter that night,
And, oh, thank her he would.

What YOU Talkin' About?